Romantic comedies encourage stalking.

Every year we get a few romantic comedies featuring a loser a guy who meets the girl of his dreams and will do whatever it takes to win her over. This usually involves following her across country, playing a boom box outside of her home or just plain serenading her (playing guitar and singing outside her bedroom). It’s all harmless date movie fun until someone gets a restraining order.

Freaky thing, there are two stalker movies coming out with the exact same premise. One for high schoolers – I Love You, Beth Cooper. And one for grown ups – Management.

Both movies feature the hot chick, the asshole boyfriend and the lovable nerds who stalks his way into the hot chick’s heart at in the end. 

I know. I’m going to make my own romantic comedy. I’ll call it Stalking On Sunshine. It will star Jack Black as himself and he’ll stalk Angelina Jolie (as herself). Brad Pitt can play the asshole boyfriend (as himself) and the hilarity can ensue when Jack follows Angelina to Africa to prove his love. I can see the trailer scene when Jack orders 10 Russian mail order brides and they all show up on Angelina’s door and he’s like “Hey, it’s kind of like adoption.”

Advice for casting Burn After Reading.

Just saw Burn After Reading. Still not sure if I liked it or not but I was watching the special features on the DVD and some lady was talking about how the biggest challenge was making George Clooney look like an average guy. 

Here’s a tip – don’t cast George Clooney. There are millions of average looking actors out there. Cast one of them. Bill Pullman?

Instead of making Rene Zellweger gain weight to play a fat woman, hire a fat woman. There are hundreds of fat women out there. Cast them. 

Seriously.

The Dark Knight left me with blue balls.

Watching The Dark Knight was like nailing a really hot chick without blowing your load. As I watched it I kept feeling like I should be liking it a lot more. Great actors, great director, great story – why was this not working? I don’t know. The filmmakers were taking us on a journey from hero to villain through rich characters. Why was I not liking this very much? Everyone told me how great it was. It’s got 94% on the Tomatometer. I freaking love Batman too. This movie should have been better. I just don’t know how.

New Jim Carrey Movies

Jim Carrey is kind of a cool actor. He loves to stretch his limits with movies like The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 23. Not saying they were great, but it shows range and risk-taking ability. He also knows what his fans want and he will usually deliver. But, his pay-the-bills movies are starting to become formulaic. 

In Liar Liar, he plays a lawyer who can’t lie. In Bruce Almighty he plays a weather man with god-like powers. In Yes Man he plays a guy who can say “no.” Haven’t seen it, but I’m guessing he has a job in approval. 

In case the Jim Carrey machine ever runs out of ideas, here are a few.

-Jim Carrey plays a food critic who can channel the voices of the spirits of the animals whose meat he has eaten. Hilarity ensues with Carrey’s impersonations of cows and pigs with a vegan/peta message during the feel-good ending. It’s called You Are What You Eat.

-Jim Carrey plays a plastic surgeon who’s hands get run over by a patient who he gave a botched boob job to. Now, every time he performs a surgery, instead of improving their outer beauty, he improves (you guessed it) their inner beauty. Hilarity ensues when stuck up models with mangled noses start feeding the homeless. Of course it ends with a message about how society is superficial. It’s called Skin Deep.

-Jim Carrey plays an Gold Medal winning Olympic athlete who’s low on cash so he campaigns to make the Olympics happen every year, all year round. Hilarity ensues when Jim Carrey pitches the idea to network brass in a speedo and swim cap. Ends with message about sports losing their purity to corporations. Called De-Cash-Alon.

That’s all I got for now.